"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult" ~ Seneca aka Seneca the Younger
my title makes no sense, not to you at least. it makes perfect sense to me though. i was about to start my daily blog reading. it's one of the first things i do at work if i'm able to, though i admit i do not always have the time. the second blog i got to was rex's and it was a fine post. i always enjoy reading my friends blogs no matter the content and his "thought of the day" is always interesting.
today's "thought of the day" really got me though.
i'm fucking angry. i'm getting angrier and angrier at work each and every single day. i've been angry for a long time, but now it's even worse. now that i'm a "registered" sales assistant/associate/whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-me and i'm looking down the barrel of another exam after the exam i'm about to take this saturday and i'm STILL not being paid properly i think i'm a little entitled.
part of the problem has been my inability to speak up. yeah, don't look at me like that. my inability to speak up. i know, i write a lot, i speak my mind a lot... A LOT... i get it. not at work. no, at work it's a completely different issue though not when it comes to my health, safety and emotional well being. my financial health, safety and well being on the other hand is a completely different story.
ask me how many times i've EVER asked for a raise. EVER. ask me in the WHOLE THAT IS MY LIFE when i last asked for a raise. i don't think i need to answer that at this point. i can feel the veins in my neck fucking pulsating!!!!!!
why then. why would i not ever, not even once ask for a raise. pride? fear? or could it be a deep and foreboding sense of the misfortune my life will forever bring me. why the foreboding? because i'm worthless, not good enough, inutil, valueless, idle, incompetent, unproductive, uninspired, unimportant, unlearned, and just completely useless. and i hate myself for it. i fucking hate myself because i know, I KNOW that i'm not!
i'm not any of those things, but when it comes to money it's how i feel. and i don't know what it is. rigid tells me that it's like i want to suffer. that i don't want to come out of the hole i'm in because i like to feel the pain i'm in. i'm a sales assistant and the brokerage firm i work for pays my bills. i don't have "set hours", i get to leave early on fridays, i get paid vacations, great health and life insurance, bonuses at the end of the year, my 401k is matched monthly plus i get bonus for that at year end as well. sounds nice doesn't it?
i was paid just under 30m a year for the first 4-5 years that i worked here. seriously, at one point it was 29,998 for almost 2-3 years in a row. since the firm was bought out we got all those extras up there plus yearly raises and i'm doing a lot better than before, but not by much. certainly not well enough that i can support two people in the lap of luxury. i would settle for comfort. i can't even afford to pay my dmv or buy a new FUCKING bedspread.
so now i'm registered with the series 7 and saturday i WILL pass the series 66. and no, i probably won't be paid as i should in this office, but i can find another agent or firm and plant myself there. OR i can actually get off my ass and start speaking to these people i'm working with, tell them how much more useful i could be for them and give them an ultimatum. i need to make a minimum amount of money to survive each month. i'm not even making that much. so that when an emergency arises, an additional bill, a late fee or payment comes up my entire financial world comes crashing down around me.
and it's my fault yes, but times are tough and will only get tougher. i can't wait until the economy starts picking up again. i can't wait until we're out of the "trough". i need to clench my ass cheeks together, stick my hand out and open my mouth. and if someone tries to shove a finger up my ass, i'll rip them a new one so they can poke that one instead and i'll simply move on.
i've said it before and i will probably say it a million more times.
your life is only as difficult as you want it to be. YOU decide your future, only you can make it happen and only you can change it.
why oh fucking why can i not take my own advice? when i read rex's blog and i read that quote it was like my brain suddenly let out this HUGE fucking fart.
here i'll give it to you again in case you forgot it already:
"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult" ~ Seneca aka Seneca the Younger
i am that person that makes her life more difficult than it should be and refuses to do anything about it to make it easier. i do want to suffer. i think i like it. it's like when i was a child and i would bind my eyes, arms or legs together to play this sick twisted game of affliction. i would practice being physically disabled. not for attention or for sympathy. in fact i don't think i've ever written this. i did it, i practiced just in case something ever happened to me because if something unfortunate did happen not only would i be prepared, but no one would really expect much from me and deep inside that relieved a lot of pressure.
you see, i was a smart kid. i wasn't great at school, but in any exam or IQ test i was always above average so the teachers knew i'd be great at whatever i decided to do, which is why they couldn't understand why i didn't get straight A's in class. the first thing teachers always commented on was the fact that my test scores are so good but because my homework wouldn't get done, done properly or i'd miss so much school it dropped my grade significantly. they would show me all my scores every step of the way, show my mother and ask her what she does for me at home...you know, all that good stuff.
still despite my mother's involvement or lack of involvement my problem never changed. i was an above average student with below average grades. by the time i hit the 7th grade i knew my life would go no where. i knew i'd never go to college, i'd never be a great success and that i'd be lucky to be a housewife. rather than feel the weight of that knowledge i'd bury myself at home in dreams, books,stories and fables. i would try my very best to ignore the fact that i was too smart to remain oblivious of my reality and too disadvantaged or ignorant to really do anything to change it.
this is why i hoped that one day all that would be expected of me is that i breath, walk, talk and find my way around. no one would ever then look at me and say, "wow, such a smart girl. too bad she never did anything with herself, but what can you expect from someone like that?"
the sad thing is that i have no idea where those thoughts came from. no one put them in my head. i never heard anyone say "you'll never make it.". no one ever told me, "you can't be any better than you already are." or "you're just not smart enough." quite the opposite in fact. it's me. it's always been me and it was something that my mom just didn't know and wouldn't be able to understand. she always told me how smart i was, and how impressive or creative i was. unfortunately her fondest desire for me was that i would meet a man that could take care of me, and spent a lot of trying preparing me to be the best housewife for him. i learned piano, how to entertain a guest, how to prepare and plan engagments, how to hold a glass, pick up a fork, pair dinner with wine, behave at the table, clean, cook, sew by hand, with a machine, bake and decorate cakes, pies and how to press and clean my mans clothes. press...not just iron. PRESS.
????
um... yeah, well. she ended up learning pretty quickly that most of that knowledge would be fairly wasted on me. i couldn't learn the notes, couldn't grasp the concept of a ruler for sewing ( my god are those some crazy curvy measuring tools) and press for fucks sake? forget about the fact that i couldn't clean my own bedroom. one time she said to me, "mija, i don't understand you. if you ever find a husband, you better hope he's a patient man because no one would ever put up with a woman that can't clean her own home. and let me tell you, you will never find him."
wow. WOW FOR YOU MOM! let's not go there because none one that was really the point was it?
then there's this one, it's my favorite, "you know, you should just quit school and get a job. by the time i was your age i already had a job." of course, i still can't figure out if that was part of her "tough love" thing. i had a hard time getting out of bed every day and i learned to make a lot of excuses about school, i was great at forgery and i mean like fucking masterful and i didn't like going to class because it was pointless. i just faded away anyway so i clearly did not give two shits let alone one.
i could go on forever at this point, but i do have to study. i have a lot to study in fact. it's taken me a long time to get here. without my husband i don't think it would have been possible. not at all. rigid has given me the courage to be myself, be a part of something bigger, take a plunge, the first step...all of that bullshit that i couldn't do on my own. if it weren't for his insane way of thinking and doing things i wouldn't have been half driven out of my fucking mind and i would never have gone to see my dr. drugpusher about my issues.
i can see my world in a completely different way now. i am worth it, i am useful and i am extremely efficient...here's the difference. i truly believe it. deep down inside that sense of self worth is slowly emerging and when i'm ready my mouth will come open and if i don't get what i need i'll be prepared to move on, i'll dare to move on.
rigid pressed my shirt today.
* snicker *
okay, no he didn't, but he made me special starbucks coffee. i stole it from work. LMFAO!!!
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