I'll have to tread lightly here. You never know who might be reading and I don't want to get anyone into trouble. I'm totally lying by the way. You see, I fell in love online. No, it's not what you think. It truly was a torrid love affair. I was married and my relationship was on it's way out the door. What I mean by that is the documents were downloaded, filled out, signed, stamped, delivered and pending. I was broken hearted and devastated, but I never let anyone see. I never let anyone in or see the truth behind the...I would say smile, but I don't smile much. Facade?
Friends and family asked me, sometimes demanded an explanation from me, but I didn't have one. I couldn't think of one. I knew in my heart why my relationship was over, but I couldn't utter it. Not really. I created my Live account earlier that year and I made so many good friends. I leaned on them though they didn't know it. Eventually a few of us got to know each other better. Gaming everyday, chatting online and in forums... a few of us even exchanged phone numbers. Slowly but surely I became really close to someone. We shared everything. Every dirty little secret, every complaint, every like and dislike. We didn't know it then, but we were falling in love.
I thought about what it would be like. We both admitted to having dreams about one another. It would bother me that in my dreams I struggled to see his face. I might catch him out of the corner of my eye. When and if I caught up to him my head would hurt and my eyes would blur as if I was trying to look at something I could never see, trying to look at something I could never have...should never have.
It wasn't long before we met, he didn't live far from me and if it hadn't been for my impending divorce I never would have had the courage to do what I did. I met him at his place and when we laid eyes on each other never once felt that awkwardness that you do when you meet someone new. Things felt easy and uncomplicated. I knew him heart and soul and he knew mine. We were together that night...just one night.
No one in my life had ever made me feel that way. So complete and at peace with myself. I felt that I had found a soul mate. How can you find a soul mate when you've just ended your marriage with the only soul mate you thought you'd ever have? But the feeling was mutual and we held each other tight falling asleep in each others arms. The next morning we parted ways, but before I did he professed his love and his utter devotion to me. He told me he wanted this to be the last time he ever let me go because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, if I would have him. I was so choked up I couldn't speak, for a second he thought I didn't feel the same way and his face dropped. I kissed him and shared my tears with his.
A year later we were in Mexico in our home. It was a beautiful home made from sun-dried earthen clay as were the rest of the homes in that area. We didn't have much furniture but the little furniture that decorated the house was beautiful, heavy and darkly lacquered. I was standing by an open window hearing the sounds. There was a fiesta, it was Dia De Los Muertos and people lined the streets drinking, smoking, eating and celebrating the dead. I walked over to the living room to find my love and stepped on a toy. It was a babies toy. I just stared at it as if I had no idea where it came from. I looked to the right and saw an empty baby walker and my heart slowly filled with pain. He saw me standing there and held me from behind, close and tight. He whispered to me that everything would be alright because he loved me so much and his love was strong enough for the two of us. I just stood there. I felt nothing. There was a deep void in my heart and I didn't know how to fill it.
He kissed my neck and walked away. I turned to him wanting to say something, but he walked out the door. After a moment I went after him. I didn't want to be alone. He wasn't far from me. Only a few houses and I walked briskly to catch up. I wanted to forget everything. I wanted him to take me into his arms whisper how much he loved me again. We were walking down a dirt path and it was dark out. You could hear music echoing everywhere.
He came upon a clearing and faced a couple of men. I'd never seen them before and this made me stop short. I stood there in the shadows watching and as I stood there black ants began crawling around my feet. Before you knew it they were all over my legs, my feet were bare as I was only wearing sandals. I brushed them away frantically and jumped to get away. Just then he turned to me and smiled, but as I got closer my head began to hurt and my eyes began to blur. Everything was getting brighter. There was a fire pit surrounded by a few of the native people and they all smiled at me, but their smiles were too bright. The fire began bouncing around everywhere and became brighter and brighter. The light hurt my eyes and made them water so that when I tried to look at his beautiful face I struggled to see it. Yet I couldn't and in my frustration I tried to hold it close to my own so that I might see him truly. The harder I tried the brighter things became until his skin became transparent.
Actually it was luminescent...the light wasn't coming from the fire, it was coming from him. It was literally emanating from within him. I stopped trying to see him and let him kiss me, but before he did I heard him whisper, "Maharet...Maha. What are you doing? Are you asleep...silly poppet. Wake up my love. I'm here. I'll always be here for you, with you. Don't cry baby, it's okay. I'm here."
I heard whimpering and a gun shot. When I opened my eyes I saw his character right in the middle of my screen, as though he could see me through the television radiating in my dark living room. He bobbed up and down in the familiar way then threw a grenade at my feet hoping to wake me up. "What happened?" I said half laughing.
"Are you drooling? Cause I think you're drooling dude. You were sleeping like a baby." he said as he looking down at my dead body.
"Oh my god, how embarrassing. I've never done that before." wiping the drool that had collected at the corner of my mouth. "GOD...I WAS drooling. How the fuck did you know?"
"I know you like the back of my ass baby." he said gracefully tea bagging my face.
"Duuuude, I had the weirdest fucking dream! HOLY..." and proceeded to tell him.
When I was finished we were both quiet for a moment. He broke the silence by saying, "I'm sorry Maha. I do love you, you know that, but...I never expected things to be this way you know?"
"I know." I said, not expecting an explanation.
"We were finished, It was over. It really was, but there's no way. Not when she drops a bomb like that on me." his voice began to shake.
"I know. I don't need you to tell me. I know." and taking a deep breath said, "You have a family to take care of soon and you don't need to worry about me I'll be fine."
He paused for a moment taking it all in and said, "God I love you so much. I wish it was you. I look at her every night and I close my eyes wishing to god it could be you carrying my baby. Sometimes I wonder if she's lying. If she said it because I asked her for a divorce you know?"
"If that were true you wouldn't still be with her. I know you...you know in your heart she's not lying. You know." my voice quivered as I emphasized those last two words and I began to cry silently.
We stayed quiet for a minute and sniffed at exactly the same time. Suddenly we broke out laughing and crying and laughing again. We played all night well into the wee morning hours. It was the last time we ever played together. Sometimes I still think it was all a dream.
Was he just a dream?
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